Son of a Pig Farmer

I’m up late. Tom just left. The last thing TiVo’d was on Comedy Central, and I stopped paying attention to the TV a long time ago. I just glanced over at the TV to see Ron Jeremy (world’s most recognizable porn star) hosting a talk-show-like-show called “Sex Talk.” WTF? “Did this guy get a talk show?” I asked myself incredulously. After pressing the Info button, I find out that it’s an infomercial, and after watching for a minute found out that it was a penis enlargement pill ad. The main messages were:

• Your pud ain’t big enough
• Women want it bigger
• It’s all natural and just plain good science
• 100% moneyback guarantee (you have nothing to lose but a whole lot to gain)
• The larger your Johnson, the more confidence you’ll have.
• Your partner will experience greater pleasure

As disturbing as all this is, there’s something arguably worse. They never said penis. Not ONCE. It’s not bad enough that your worse spam nightmare has made it to the infomercial circuit, but they won’t SAY THE WORD. They repeatedly referred to it as “that certain part of the male body.” You can sell the friggin product, explain what it does, parade porn stars all over the place, but you think that people will be offended by saying the word penis? That’s what bothers people? Perhaps they would prefer some creative alternatives:

• Hairy Houdini
• Gleaming love sword
• 100% all-beef thermometer
• 21st digit
• Bald-headed yogurt slinger
• Beef missile
• Custard chucker
• Fallopian fiddler
• Flesh hoagie
• Frodo (I made that one up)
• Gravy maker
• Jimmy
• Kick stand
• Major Manchowder
• Mangina
• Meat twinkie
• Pink torpedo
• Porksicle
• Yogurt hose
• Protein spicket
• Zipper wookie
• And Much Much More!

I guess what I’m saying is if you’re gonna go 98 yards, you may as well get into the end zone.

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