While working at home the other day, some missionaries knocked on my door to spread their message. I could have just chosen not to open the door, but my screen was already open, and they had already seen me. Since I was completely hammered with work, I told them that I was on a conference call.
It then occurred to me that this is the perfect way to avoid having your time eaten away with someone trying to sell you something, while still seeming courteous. I’m not sure that there is a rebuttal for this.
Few people have the cajónes to expect you to interrupt your very important conference call to tend to their whims.
In fact, this applies almost universally to any social situation that you want to avoid. Old girlfriend coming around the corner? Pull your mobile phone and chat away. Panhandler? Just start chatting into your Bluetooth headset that you forgot you had on.
So, the next time you peep out your door to find a cookie pusher, soapboxer or magazine peddler, pick up the nearest phone and proceed:
“Well you tell those lunkheads in Business Development that I don’t care who asked for it, I need at least 4 days of lead time before I can have the prototypes DHL’d to Hong Kong. What? Well she realizes that this gonna slip the schedule right? Fine! Let her escalate! I’ve had executive buyoff for three months on this and she can’t just spring this shit on me at the last minute! Go ahead, you can tell her I said that. Hang… hang on, Jerry…”
[Looking perturbed, cover the phone, take the cigar from your lips and mouth "What?"]
The cigar is optional, but you get the picture. It also works on telemarketers. Be creative 
12 responses so far ↓
james // June 14, 2007 at 11:53 am
actually, I find that out-crazy’ing the crazies works best. Panhandler asks you for change? Shake your head uncontrollably while gibbering about that one guy that pissed you off that one time. Then ask him for change to call your mom. Works especially well outside busy bars/clubs.
lance // June 14, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Yeah. That might work well with pan-handlers but unfortunately could invite more unwanted conversation. My intent is to end the conversation in it\’s tracks. I want to make it so that future conversation is impossible.
Tom's Mom // June 14, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Yep. I had those same “missionaries” at my door not too long ago. I actually WAS on a long distance phone call with my sister. My front door was open and they could see (and hear) me through the screen. I told them that I was on long distance with a relative and they told me “that’s OK - we will wait here until you are done”…
God is going to smite me one day for what I did next. Needless to say, the words I used were not chosen wisely. I can’t remember for sure what I said (cuz I was just…that…mad…). My sister was laughing too hilariously to be able to remember what I said. It was something along the line of what I thought they could do with their religion and that I was “not interested”. My response didn’t even phase them. In fact, one missionary said “not interested? Sounds to me like WE are just what YOU need in your life to mellow you out right now.” I totally lost it and slammed the door. God help them if they ever come back and I am NOT on the telephone…
Regina Chennault // June 14, 2007 at 8:11 pm
You know what works for me: speak back to them in Chinese, or “sorry no English!” (with Chinese accent).
lance // June 15, 2007 at 2:33 pm
If only I knew how to speak Mandarin
I probably swing a bad accent…
Regina Chennault // June 17, 2007 at 10:41 am
You could say, “I’m glad you are here. I’m a x-convict and having been looking for a new church to help me with my issues. What is the address to your church?”
Or start each sentence with, “I’m order by the court to inform you that I am …”
linc // June 20, 2007 at 6:31 am
Interesting. Well, seeing as my daughter is a Girlscout or as Lance would say, “a cookie pusher” for part of the year, I take mild offense to this. Few things in life irritate me more than people who are rude to an 8 year-old girl selling cookies because it is a “waste” of their time to be asked. Gimme a break. It amazes me that everyone wants to buy things, but NO one wants to be sold anything. I just tell the truth. Nothing ends coversation faster than–”Thanks, Not Interested”.
lance // June 20, 2007 at 8:37 am
Linc, a few things.
I don\’t need cookies. You\’ve seen pictures.
I would love to donate to the Girl Scouts without the cookies. I can\’t say this with any confidence yet (because my girls are still coming up and have yet to join Scouts), but my initial inklings are that the marketing push and ultra competitive nature behind the whole cookie thing has far exceeded the virtuous goals that it initially had. It seems a lot like a business (to benefit GSA) and less like light-hearted rivalry. Perhaps that\’s what they were after, I dunno. Maybe they\’re rying to prepare them for the real world? If that\’s the case, there just might be something wrong with the real world. But, that\’s just a feeling in my gut, and I\’ve got nothing to back that up other than the years of Scouting fund-raisers that I\’ve participated in. I hope I\’m wrong and it\’s more about teaching cooperation and teamwork rather than cutthroat competition. In fact, I\’d say that learning to deal with rejection is as valuable a lesson as succeeding. Wouldn\’t you agree?
I don\’t want to buy anything. I\’m trying to buy less stuff. I know, you don\’t believe me, and you probably shouldn\’t based on my history. I listen to a 4 year old iPod and use an oldish Nokia phone. I\’m trying to be more mindful of what I let into my life and am finding it harder and harder nowadays. I have an upcoming post explaining this.
I don\’t want to be sold anything, either. I do all the research myself. The salesman is an endangered species for most of the things that I need help buying. Review sites and friend referrals inspire more confidence than a salesperson. Now is the time where we go to the car dealer with exactly what we want in mind, knowing exactly what we\’re gonna pay. We the consumer have more of an informational advantage than in years past. The salesman is less a salesman and more of a processor or a cashier. In many cases we know more about what we want and what\’s available than he does. Having said all that, salesmen that demonstrate knowledge and a devotion to customer service in a sale organization that has a reputation for being top notch will always be employable. Dale Hardware in Fremont comes to mind.
While I agree that, \”Thanks, not interested.\” is rude, that\’s not what I suggesting at all. I\’m looking for a win win situation. The conversation ends and I don\’t buy anything. I save five minutes I win. The salesperson, while not getting the sale, learns to deal with rejection and is not treated like a total dirt-bag in the process. He wins, well kinda.
The next time S has a cookie sale, come peep me out. I\’ll gladly buy three boxes. I\’ll send you the money, and you can eat the cookies. Deal?
linc // June 22, 2007 at 6:51 am
Lance,
I appreciate your comments, and having known you these many years, I know you weren’t just slamming Girl Scouts. Actually your piece is pretty funny.
Here are my points:
First, I am not sure how the GS are handled in Cali, but I suspect they are similar to how we do things here in NC. What I take away from the scouts is a re-enforcement of what I am already instilling in my daughter. Friendship, Teamwork, Respect, Boldness (when meeting people), Accountability, Determination. I don’t expect ANYONE to teach these traits but me (and Lisa), but I pull these values out of everything she is involved in. Soren will never remember who said “no” to her cookies, or even “yes”. She will remember how she felt when she accomplishes her goals and what it took to make it happen. Rejection IS a part of life, but rude rejection, in my opinion, is unnecessary. The lessons I end up teaching my daughter is how to deal with rude people, MORE than how to deal with rejection.
Second, I have been in sales for the past 8 years-direct, and indirect. You stated you were looking for a “win-win” situation. Well, I can only speak for what I know, and what I know is this. When I ask for a persons business and they say yes, I win. If they say no, I still win. My goal is to get an answer–not to convince people that I have something they need to buy that they don’t need. I know people do that, but there are bad people in every industry. So, my thought here is, by trying not to hurt my feelings when I sell you something, doesn’t help me. It keeps the light on for me…tells me I might still have a chance. If you simply said, “sounds like a great product/service, but I just am not interested”. I know I have done all I can do and I can move on. Ask the sales guys at Yahoo! how they feel about being endangered. I am sure they would LOVE to entertain that idea.
Finally, I think our riff here (if you can call it that) comes down to a simple difference of philosophy. You are moving toward a “simpler life”. A life of less consumption. I got it. Respect it. I even AGREE! I don’t own an iPod, or an XBOX. I have basic cable, no TIVO, no laptop, etc etc. So I commend you on your choices. What got me in your piece was this: “It then occurred to me that this is the perfect way to avoid having your time eaten away with someone trying to sell you something, while still seeming courteous.” Why would you need to avoid anyone? I have learned to live my life boldly. Confidently. Secure in who I am. So there is really no need to dodge a telemarketer, or a missionary, or anyone. I want my kids to understand that in the end, Truth is what really matters. Just be honest. It seems everyone is so inconvienenced by everyone else. Since when in this age of Tivo, video games, and 500 channels of television did we get so concerned about our time being wasted? I suspect people waste more time watching a football game that they won’t even remember the score of 10 days later than telling a magazine sales person they don’t want 4 years of Readers Digest. I have come to understand that people do EXACTLY what they want to do-and if you feel your time is better served by not speaking to sales people, then don’t. But tell em why. As for the cookies, Lance, you and Tina have always supported our family–we love you guys for that. You never ask “why” we need, you just help. If you don’t want to buy cookies from my daughter, that is okay, we know you still love us. But please, just say so. Don’t get on a “fake” phone call to protect our feelings. Deal?
lance // June 22, 2007 at 8:18 am
Great comments, Linc. Well put.
Regarding the endangered species thing: I specifically called out “for most of the things that I need help buying.” I also mentioned that salespeople with great (domain) knowledge and a focus on customer service will always be in demand.
Regarding the Girl Scouts thing. You have set forth some very virtuous goals and a very good approach to accomplish them. I’m sure it will work for you.
Regarding your empathy as a salesman. Perhaps this is simply a difference of perspective. Mine is coming from a guy trying to sit down with his family to eat. Yours is coming from a guy whose trying to feed his. I can appreciate it.
Regarding the whole “Truth” thing. That’s a pretty bold thing to assert. It kinda feels like you think there is only one. As illustrated above, you and I come from two different perspectives. What’s the “Truth” in that? I’d suggest that our perspectives are relative. I think you might be saying that it’s important to be authentic and honest. I can go along with that, while also admitting that my approach is neither. In this instance however, the person on the other line is someone I don’t know trying to engage in conversation when I have more pressing matters to attend to. I could engage them in conversation, but I don’t know if I’m going to get a salesman that says “okay thanks anyway” or an always-be-closing superstar with a rebuttal book. Why risk it?
Why would I need to avoid someone?
I know that my whole suggestion seems duplicitous, but my main goal is to save TIME. I have no problem being bold or confident. I’ve been noticing that I simply don’t have enough of it and whatever I have left over is best used with friends and family doing all the things worth doing (like connecting with you over a blog). I remember empathizing with Mom when she used to get so upset about her spam. She used to complain about how much a waste of time it was. This was a few years before she really started to decline, and even then I thought about spam and telemarketers from a larger perspective. Every second counts, especially when you don’t have that many of them.
linc // June 22, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Lance…you truly keep me thinking.
As you know, you and I share same pain of loss. Time has become important to us both. Please don’t think I am calling you a liar, (although it might seem that way) but I find honesty to really be it’s own best policy. That is truly what I meant by Truth. Agreed…it is relative. Even I am not crazy enough to suggest my understanding of “Truth” is everyones. I would never assert that you were not bold or confident, exactly the opposite, which is why I have trouble understanding your need to deceive. As I stated before, People do what the WANT to do-we make time for things that we believe are important to US. Both of us have decided that time is precious, and not to be wasted, by us or anyone else. I would argue that every second does count, but not at the expense of being impatient with people who happen to feel their issue is important. Perhaps it isn’t, but just because you don’t know them means they are not worth your time? You and I both have decided to shave off minutes where we can. For you, it is disrespectful sales people. For me, it is watching television. I am sure if I mentioned some of the other ways I save time, you would cock your head to the side and exclaim “say what?” Either way, I feel our priorities are the same–to keep whats REALLY important to us in perspective, and in front of us. Every second does count Lance, and I think you and I have spent enough of it doing this dance. You are my friend and Brother– I respect your ability to stand your ground…even if it is against your long lost California buddy. Be Well my friend, and thanks for the dialog.
lance // June 22, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Take care, Buddy.