Son of a Pig Farmer

Man…this clip is going around all over the place. It’s like a virus or something. It was in all three top video spots on Technorati when I looked at it. I bet Google has three servers just to keep up with its traffic.

But c’mon people, let’s cut her a little slack. Think of it– all eyes on you in a clutch situation. I mean, she only had three months to prepare.

I mean, what would you say if you were asked, “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?” I feel sorry for the girl; I’ll try helping her out a bit. Here are some answers she could have used:

• Because having a stamped passport, a National Geographic subscription and an interest in foreign cultures doesn’t get you laid when you’re 17.
• It’s hard to do Jello shots off a globe.
• Because the Geography Club got replaced by Teens for Abstinence. They couldn’t meet after that, cause everyone was too busy fucking.
• The US Mexicans and the US Africans were hiding all the maps from all the US Americans.
• What are these “United States” of which you speak?
• The whole world won’t fit into a Halo map.
• Because Zinn and Chomsky haven’t signed with Def Jam yet.
• Michael Moore’s all fat and gross.
• Because the terrorists hate our freedoms.
• As far as we know, there is no Educational Industrial Complex. Well, if there is, George Bush sure as Hell doesn’t own any of it.
• “Girls Gone Geographic” bombed in focus group testing with males 18-24.
• Viacom has yet to pilot Pimp my Rickshaw or MTV Shantez.
• If we know about other countries, the terrorists win.
• Fox News hasn’t covered that yet.
• Because of the dark people.
• Because Ira Glass is the guy you give wedgies to after Home Room
• Disneyland Uganda is still being imagineered.
• A world map won’t fit on the lower back.
• Because of South Africa, The Iraq, and the newly-formed Republic of Such As.
• It won’t really matter since most of it will be under water soon.
• At the end of the day, that was only worth one point in the SATs.
• Because I won’t need to know that in the porn industry.
• There’s no glitter bling bling map for My Space